havent had the will to blog lately ...... half due to being out almost everyday and the other is because i just didnt feel like it. Feels like i am growing older and older and less fun anymore ..... but i have a sinking feeling its not really that either.

Rae is back. And all the discussion about change. Well i can see she hasn't change that much anyway ......still loves her sleep. Still on "Rae time" and still can drive and eat and what else. Well then again she *gasp* washes her own clothes now ( gonna get chopped for this ).. hmmm more ganas ? but probably has changed in other subtle ways which i can feel but have not yet found out exactly what. But still havent seen her shopping power yet .

As for me, well i dunno if anyone agree with me but i think i have also changed. Although i havent taken time off to observe what really changed and how big a change there was. But i think i can most definitely say that it is there . And i am not too sure whether it is a good thing or not. But funny as it is, i kind of feel that i lost something, as if i keep dropping some parts of me day by day month by month. Part of me invites the change yet part of me wants to keep the old me. Its not the best feeling in the world as i constantly wonder what happened to this person that used to be like this or used to think this way.

Is it just me or do other ppl feel this way too. And the thing is that, what i was before might not be exactly the right thing. But i think "at least it is me" . But then again, when i change i am still me just a different me, or rather am i going to be just some stereotypical type of person. One thing is for sure however i change. I will still be the ever self confusing me which also makes others confused as well. I just have too many point of views

ok exam results are coming out in a day or twos time. At the moment i just have no feelings bout it watsoever.......only thing is that, expecting bad news yet not feeling anything ... or maybe its just that i am completely numbed.

Anyway back to the topic. And it isnt entirely related to results and me. Was just remembering what someone asked me during the last paper of my finals. As usual when the time for the paper comes nearer more ppl will be uthering the word "die la" or " i am so going to die".Well i am one of them anyway, but i just say it as in, i am so screwed. And this guy turned to me and asked me if i have ever considered suicide if i failed. And i told him i never thought suicide was an option, or rather i want to live my life out just to see how it goes anyway, be it having to be at the lowest of low. And he said that some people would believe that if they serve no purpose anymore when they fail their subjects that suicide is inavitable(ie self destruct mode of robots when no longer serving a purpose). The thing is that i have so many things in my mind that i want to do and experience that i dont think i would come to the suicide conclusion just yet. And i dont think a life time is enough for me to fulfil all those things that i want to go through what more by cutting life short with suicide. Even living as a beggar u learn a lot from it. But basically when u fall u think of a way to climb back up. That i think is the beauty of living. But i also can understand the frustration of falling over and over again at the same spot which might weaken the spirit. Yet i am an optimist ( well optimistic enough i guess, since life doesnt do much to preserve such an outlook) and i would very well like to see if i manage to live my life fully and compensating any shortcomings.

Just to share a view with anyone who would listen, there is always an option to life which isnt as final as suicide. Why not live it through and see for yourself what the final outcome is where the final isn't when u decide to end the game but when the game is really at its end. Then only will you know if you played well because in the game of life nothing is fixed nothing is hard coded anything can happen. Or rather look at it this way, for the drama fanatics who would never want to miss an episode of the show no matter what and are always dieing to know what would happen next. That's the way u should look at life perhaps. Always want to know what will happen next. So like the drama fanatic, if ur tv at home is broken dont let that fact stop you from catching the show. Find another option to allow yourself to watch the show, perhaps go to a friend's house. And in life, find another option to allow yourself to live. well cest la vie for me.

I know i havent been blogging but could i say that there was so much on my mind that i dunno what to blog.

Anyway, was just remembering about this story about the choices you make in life. Then finally i think it ends with," u can choose to be happy or you can choose to stay sad". Then yada yada yada and this man chose to live happily . Basically i dont remember the story, but anyone with an e-mail add would probably remember reading it. So which brought me to thinking, is it a good thing or even healthy that when someone faces an unhappy situation (and naturally before you even choose to feel either way, feelings of unhappiness will wash over a person) then as in the story (where you could choose to continue being unhappy or you could choose to "be" happy) you choose to be happy and perhaps forget about the unhappiness. In a way, isn't it a form of escapism to choose to be happy . Then where does the unhappiness go? how is it resolved? It is said that, when u can't do anything about the situation that causes unhappiness, the most you can do is choose to be happy and not let it get to you. And i would have to say that it indeed make sense. Since you can't do anything about it why then should you stay unhappy.

But is it that simple? and if it was, then as i have said, isnt that just denial. So can life be simple if you want it to be and if it is simple, could it be just your own disillussions.

edit: would have posted this earlier if it had not been for the stupid connection

I know this is stupid, but it is sad too that i have come to this point. And yes i find it unbelievable it comes down to this as well.

Starting off with a story that if i remember well comes from one of the chicken soup book, there was a couple who, the wife went into a coma and the husband went through much hard time dealing with this fact. And i guess in america there are ppl there that work as counsellar to help ppl like this man get through the hard time and give emotional support and whatever advice. This man , at that time was close to giving up but with much support from the counsellar he made through the hard times and the wife manage to awake from the coma. When everything was back to normal, which was a year or 2 later, this couple wanted to seek this counsellar out to thank him for all that he has done that the man hadn't decide to end it all and they are now happily still together.

Well sadly to say, this counsellar i guess had seen his fair share of sadness in the world and perhaps being a counsellar himself knew only the art of listening had not learnt art of sharing his problems. And he himself decided to end it all. He commited suicide just a few days before the couple had went to find him.

I wrote a post on my thoughts on suicide before this and i hold true to my stand so just a note of reassurance for my freinds that read this.

Lately a selected number of people i know have been having problems which i inadvertantly have become dear thelma to. I am not complaining about this fact as i believe in always being there for my friends. But for the fact that i don't know how long i can last ..... i have been feeling depressed off and on. And ironically it is so so so hard for me to bring this fact out as i am down one moment due to certain things but i am up again soon enough. What more when i finally manage to bring myself to tell that some one and find out that the person is facing dilemmas as well. So i back out. I know there are other ppl that are available as well which offered to too. But the sadest thing is that i manage to stare at this ppl on my msn and i couldn't bring myslef to say a thing. Ironically, i felt that the saddest ppl where those that had problems and have no one to turn to or choose not to turn to anyone. What am i doing? i dunno. I feel that it isnt anything big deal..... is it ? i dunno. I am not feeling down all the time. That is why i feel stupid. There is some reasons for this but i dunno of it is that much a deal anyway. But rest assured ( i think). I am dealing with it . Or perhaps i am still optimistic in looking at the world. I dunno . It is heavy, this shoulder. In fact i find this quite stupid being in a blog .... but i have to resolve to this. I have to say again. I feel i am fine or rather not as serious as it may sound. But i really dunno. So i choose to be happy if i can.

Gone were the days where gratitude is shown when requested help is answered. Though arguabily it shouldn't be that those who requested for help should feel inferior to the person they ask help from, the least they could do is not make as if they are owed it. Though it is noted by a comment by oon-ee that perhaps a promise was made and a promise should be fulfilled.

So what is all that about? Well apparently those ppl who are wanting an exchange with an australian university counterpart have to write a certain statement of purpose letter as part of their application procedures. And while sitting around yesterday after class, a certain portion of a conversation was overheard, which consist of one party or rather both sounding pretty aggitated. What went on was, this person who wanted to go for the exchange programme asking rather annoyed why the other person could not write the letter for him at a particular time and instead want to go and watch a movie. This could very well be excusable since everyone was in quite a frantic state to finish up all their paper work to get things along. But what struck me as rather ridiculous was the fact that someone who is seeking an exchange isnt doing his own job but getting someone else to do it for him. How i see it is that although wanting an exchange badly, the least he could have done was write his own letter and ask someone to look at it and help improve it. I do realize that there are quite some number of people who does not have a very good grasp of english but as long as the content is there i am sure someone (ie oon-ee ke ke ke ) could give them a hand at it. Well either way, such attitude seems rather undeserving for this opportunity( well that is my thoughts anyway). And he was rather disatisfied that mr helpful warned him that the letter might be quite straight forward even with the explaination that he isnt too great with writing about things he isn't familiar with.

And just today i found out that mr helpful wasnt even applying for exchange.

Hmmmmm i guess this post kinda sound rather petty.... but i dunno sometimes certain things just makes me wonder about how people are.

Saw a food programme just now which featured on deserts and they were showing how they make chocolate souffle. Looked too irrisistable so i went and find the recipe. Well basically i bothered to do so was because the ingredients seemed so basic .... egg white & sugar beaten to become some faomy state then mix in melted choclate and bake .... yummmy .... will try if i have time 2 morrow ... and the best thing is that the only ingredient i need to buy is cooking chocolate..... wish me luck .... and those who eats it to not get poisoned ..... ke ke ke food